SprayMeBaby

this isn't going to be interesting because I have 50 millions things on my mind so that is why I haven't posted in awhile. I went spray tanning for the first time in my life and let me just tell you it was terrifying. I got the lay down on what I was supposed to do before hand and how I was supposed to stand. So then you step into this booth that looks like a mini photo lab but without all of the equipment. So it basically resembled one big human cardboard box with no windows. Scary shit huh? Did I mention I am afraid of the dark? Yeah well that didn't help. So then you have to stand there and push this green button, close you eyes and raise your chin. The whole time I am anticipating something that I don't know. Is it going to be cold? Is it going to sting? What's it going to feel like? And then as it sprays and I freak! I forgot to hold my breath so as soon as the spray leaves my face to travel the length of my body I suck in a nice, huge, chemical invested breathe of poisoned air. Now I am freaking out even more because I think i have enhaled the spray tan. It travels back up to my face....wait....wait...wait I am running out of breathe. Ok it stops....I have to turn around and do the other side. God, did I mention that it was freezing! yeah the spray was ice cold. I'm used to going tanning and laying down in a nice warm bed, relaxing, not thinking about much and burning the hell out of my skin. so this is definitley a new experience. As soon as I was done I couldn't wait to get out and towel off. I swear I was scrubbing my body as hard as I could for fear that I would look like one of the oopa loopa's from willy wonka's chocolate factory. So I survived my first spray tanning experience. On to live another day! Now I have to go and run the other million and a half errands I have. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

OrangesDesignJobManPantsHuH?

I had a really weird dream last night. Well....actually I had a really weird dream this morning during the hour I decided to sleep in since my boss is out of the office for today and tomorrow.

I literally woke up at 6a.m, brushed my teeth, had the revelation that I could go back to sleep and not get in trouble bc no one would be here to catch me, laid back down and was asleep immediatley. In my mind it was as if I closed my eyes to re-open them instantly in my dream.

There I was, sitting in front of a middle-aged, semi-attractive, business casual woman who was sitting behind a rather cluttered desk. Standing next to her was her business partner and I assume her 'partner' in other aspects of life as well, this information I gather later in the dream. She is looking at me intensely like she has just spoken and possibly asked me a question. But I am dumbfounded, because as you recall, I have just entered this dream so my guess is as good as yours as to what she has just said. So I do what most people in my situation would do, I just nod my head and give my most winning smile in dear hope that this will suffice until she produces the next question. It seemed to work because she smiles back. Am I in an interview? All of the sudden, like a light shining down from heaven, I have one of those hazy flashbacks that movies show where a person's memory is restored in an instant through a series of slide-show images. I am in an interview for a design job. Thats it! Thats all of a flashback i got.

I hurridly look down and notice that at least I am dressed in this dream. And properly for the occasion by the looks of me. While I am earnestly awaiting the next question, the woman grabs a pencil and paper and quickly sketches a image of what looks to be a crude drawing of an orange. She knowingly hands me the sketch and says, "ok so if you could just go into the conference room to your left and work out the drawing we talked about so i could have a look and get an idea of your skills that would be great!"
Huh?!
What?
Is she speaking english? Am I supposed to have any idea what she is talking about? Did she just draw an orange? What, does she want me to re-draw it better for her or is she just starting me off on a fruitbasket motif? Of course I'm not going to say, 'excuse me, I just morphed myself into this dream and I only came in at a certain point, so I've missed the begining. Could you give me a re-cap and possibly tell me what in the hell you are talking about!'

Nope, not me. Apparently I am devoid of any rational thought process while in this dream state. I smile, gather my things and head to the conference room. But not before I witness this woman stand up and stick her hands down the pants of the man who was standing next to her. It almost looks as if she was trying to tuck in his shirt but upon closer inspection I see she is really untucking it and wispering slying to him while they both giggle. Jesus! I don't think i am supposed to be seeing this! I practically run into the conference room.

Sitting down I study the crude 'orange' sketch in my hand and figure, well..she just stuck her hands down that man's pants so I think whatever I draw could pass as something promising because she is obviously having a good day! I sharpen 3 number 2 pencils to the point where they could be considered a deadly weapon in some countries and begin to doodle. Two seconds later in breezes grubby grabbin woman, "Hey, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave for the day. We have contractors that have decided to show up early for the day and they need this room. It was great talking to you and we'll be in touch. Make sure you fill out an application and send it in this week."
"um..yeah ok. Thanks. It was great talking to you to...I look forward to speaking with you and...." images of the de-pants man shoot through my head. Shit what was pant boy's name? For that matter, what is the woman's name. Hell I don't even know what this company's name is. I am trying to pick up my things as quickly as possible bc i feel dumb now and unprepared for an interview that I was only half in. Why do I have so many damn bags? There's like 5 shopping bags full of clothes and bras and underwear. What did I do, go shopping before hand and just pop in to answer a couple of quick questions? I'm a flighty valley girl. I'm never going to get this job and I don't even know what this job is but it matters.
The contracters, who sort of resemble dirty construction workers, begin to file into the conference room and i am panicing. How do I make a professional exit?

urh!.. urh!.. urh!.. urh!

I reach out and hit the snooze button on my cell phone. Damn alarm. Urgh..I hate getting up for work. God it's freezing in my room, did I just have a dream about drawing an orange? Man I'm weird! Frickin freezing in here. I hope today goes by fast. Weird dream.

My new black hair

My new black hair
Originally uploaded by JaLarge.

Ok kids I guess the other picture didn't do justice but for those of you that I haven't seen in awhile here is how my hair looks! I am sure ya'll are real excited but don't worry I will probably dye it again and change it before the month is over.

me and shells

me and shells
Originally uploaded by JaLarge.

So I finally took some pictures of Shellie and I and now everyone can see what my hair looks like. This is my best friend shellie for those of you who might not know! Happy Friday everyone.

AntFarm?

As I was driving to work today I decided to have an outer body experience. There I was looking down at myself, all dressed in my work attire, chugging along with the other mindless people who still have yet another 30 minutes before they are fully awake and operational. I sat thinking, we look like ants, ants that are marching off to the same ant hill to do ant things. Do I want to be an ant? All the ants look the same. I remember graduating from college and thinking to myself...'wow I have a degree, I can't wait until I get an adult job where I get to dress up every day and finally get paid to sit in front of my computer and design, this is gonna be so cool'. And then reality slapped me which a huge bucket of icy cold water and my brains been on defrost ever since. I'm going through the motions, still trying to warm up but you know as soon as you get warm you gotta get outa the car and the process starts all over again. Defrost, ants, fricking getting up at 6 a.m to get ready for work. Was I on drugs when I had this 'cool' revelation in college? Can I please have them back then if I was?
I think its winter. Yes I think that is what is wrong with me. Maybe I just realized I don't like winter. Sure I like winter on vacation when there is skiing or boarding involved as well as the case or 2 of beer we all consume when we are on vaca. That's it! I musta been drunk in college when I thought becoming an adult was cool. Hmmm...wonder if they carry beer in the vending machine at work. I'll have to check on that!
So I'm back in my body, driving endlessly to a job where I get dressed up, sit in front of a computer, sometimes design but mostly search the web, and get paid. I start remembering my weird dreams that I had ( I slept from 7-6 so there were a lot, i'm sick so i'm allowed to sleep)and I remembered that in one I had lice. Ewww gross right, and upon closer inspection the lice resembled huge creatures that....now that I think of it....resembled ants. Hot damn, in a round-a-bout way I am just messed up in the head. Ants....I swear they are following me everywhere. Now I think I am one. Damn snots clogging my brain. I'll be back to normal soon. I swear.

I'm thinking....

I can't breathe......

OneMoreYear = 24!

Well it's my birthday and I have now tagged on yet another year, now totaling 24 and I am trying to think of something profound to say yet nothing is coming to mind. This could be due to all of the snot that has decided to take residence in my nose and head therefore muddling any coherent thought process I could have. Ick...that is what comes to mind. It's my birthday and I have a cold and I'm at work! Happy Birthday....you're an adult. :) This doesn't make me as sad as it sounds because I really am having a good day I swear. Would I rather be curled up in bed in my pajamas with a good book? Hell yeah but I might save that for Thursday. Maybe I am having a faze or something but I just don't see the point in getting all hyped up this year so that for one day I can go out and get totally smashed because everyone insists on buying you shots of tequila which you normally wouldn't do bc the thought of tequila repulses you but hey....since its your birthday your up-chuck reflexives are already prepared. They got the memo. So no....I am not going out to the bar to drink for my birthday, I'm not having an extravagant night with dinner and festivities. ( I did see an awesome movie with my best friends last night though!) I am going to come home from work, do a bit of laundry, put those always welcoming pj's on, curl up and do nothing. And you know what? That is exactly what I want for my birthday!

Now don't get me wrong, I love when I get those first morning calls wishing/singing me a happy birthday. I love that when I got into work today my name was up on the front board wishing Jessica Large a happy birthday and I love that I had a card (which I know is customary but who cares) from the president just to say 'happy birthday'. Oh did I mention the Birthday sign that I have hanging outside my office that says....yes....we all know it....'happy birthday'. So yes, I do like to be shown attention on my b-day. It brings a big warm smile to my face. I love it! But I'm not drinking! Ha! So there. But to all my best buds who've wished me a great day, I love you guys and my day wouldn't be great without the thoughtfullness of my friends and family.

Sorry for sounding like a scrooge above.

ehhh...it's probably the snot clogging my brain again. Don't mind me. Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

mmmm..chocolate!

So it's around early afternoon, you know...that time about a couple of hours after lunch but still not close enough where you consider it late afternoon and close to the end of the work day. For the sake of the matter we'll just say 3 0'clock because that works. I'm sitting here contemplating what else I can do to pass the time until that dreamed about 5 o'clock rolls around. ( twidling my thumbs was already taken seeing as how I did that the first 2 hours of the 'early morning' day. I start thinking of the healthy chicken salsa salad I had for lunch and I am patting myself on the back when all of the sudden! damned if I don't start thinking about chocolate and not just any chocolate this craving has a particular name and it is reese's cups.

It's in my head now, engulfing any rational thought I have about how its not going to be healthy for me and how I will regret it as soon as I am done eating it. It's beginning to take over to the point where I can't even search the internet mindlessly without shouting 'in my head of course' reese's reese's reese's. It's beginning to sound like a roaring chant, one usually heard in the final moments of an intense football game. That's it! I'm getting one!

I get up and happily skip to the closest lunch room, where we have newly recieved a 40yr old vending machine. But hey...who's complaining, I put the money in, it shoots out the over cholesteral ridden junk of a snack that gets most of us through the day. Making my way over to the fridge I get my can of red bull that i brought for a pick me up 'just in case'. Hey if I am gonna be bad and load up on sugar i mind as well do it right. Go out in style right? Glancing over I am dumbfounded to see that the grannie of a vending machine does not carry reese's cups anymore, it has now been filled with a health nuts version of snackable bites. Who needs granola, it's not like I am trying to have cerial. I WANT CHOCOLATE!

I'm on a mission. I've now gotten it into my head that I no longer 'want' this I 'need' it and we all know where that goes. My original juant of a skip has now turned into a full blown stride where I eat up a normal 3 steps in one. I am actually on my way to the forbidden lunch room. The room where no respectable person eats bc I think its about to be condemmed and shut down for its erieness. But I don't care, as soon as I turn that corner I know it was all worth it. I literally jump for joy as I slide in my coins and happily push the correct numbers. D-10. A squeal escapes from my lips and I'm not afraid to admit it.

Back at my desk I take my first much awaited bite into the creamy, peanut butter filled object of my desire. mmmmm....its good and i mean really good. Like orgasmic good. Is this becuase I deprive myself the luxery of these delicious treats or because I haven't had a reese's cup in so long that the anticipation had made my tastebuds explode? I guess we'll never no but I am in heaven. I would like to say that I ate both of the chocolate cups slow but I've already sinned enough so I'll truthfully say I delicatley scarfed them (as a lady would of course) and washed them down with a can of redbull.

So there I was, staring at my computer with a half smirk on my face because I just satisfied my craving and I mean sat-is-fied, when all of the sudden this feeling comes over me. I look at the wastebasket that now holds the reminants of my torn wrapper and watch it glare back at me. Mocking me because it has won! I was doing so good....I had a fricken salad for lunch instead of that damn borrito! What was I thinking! I'm now frustrated beyond belief, my head kinda hurts and I just feel woof! But wait.....something is happening....there is a rushing going on inside my head. Am I losing it? Ahhh, it's the redbull kicking in. Yup, I"m gonna be fine! I am hyper, I am free, I am spazing but I am up and feeling great. NO more chocolate comma. I turn back around towards the wastebasket, take one last look at the essence that made me doubt my actions, and I...stick my toungue out at it. Yup, I'm 5 but I don't care. I am not going to let my insecurities rule me. It is what it is and we are all perfect creatures in our own way. I feel better all ready.

For those of you reading this and wondering, 'hmm does she or does she not have an eating problem?' In answer...no I don't , I just have too much time on my hands and an at times desperate need to prove to myself that I can be healthy. Not the barf your brains up, or don't eat for 3 days healthy but serious healthy with veggies and full meals.

Until the next craving....

ChinUp!

"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your
past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying."

I didn't write this but I felt it was worthy enough to take note and place on my blog. Maybe a couple of months down the road I will need to hear this and I will have it posted to do just that. Maybe it will help some of you too!

Who do I want to be?

I have trouble getting up in the mornings. There I said it! I know most people, probably around 90%, have this same problem. But this fact doesn't make my laziness any easier to accept. I read a lot and in doing so I find a lot of characters who I can relate with on some level or in most cases, would like to relate to. For instance I might be reading a book where the main character is so intelligent and witty that I wish I would have taken more business classes per say in college. Then I think...what! are you kidding me, I would have hated business classes. But I think what I am envying most is this determination of one-self. This drive to push yourself beyond all means to accomplish everything and anything you want. So some of you are reading this and nodding and thinking ok...that's not so bad. However, I'm not entirely sure I know what I want and I am not entirely sure that is a bad thing. Should I know where I want to be in 5 years? I can't even decide what I want for dinner 10 minutes before I am going to eat so this 5 years scope is a huge concept to grasp. Chicken or sea-food? Design or design? Wait! I don't even have any options... so what am I worried about. I guess I picked this path in college all because I saw a really cool poster that Heidi Williams had done with a collage of absolut bottles and I thought to myself....hmmm well that is pretty frickin cool, what is your major, oh its graphic design is it? well sign me up because I want to do some pretty frickin cool stuff too.
So here I am....I have a degree with a portfolio that at times I like to think holds some pretty cool frickin stuff and I finally have a job which I like 90 % of the time as long as they keep giving me work because I like to stay busy. Yet I am writing this blog, almost complaining, comparing my life to that of a made up character in a book.
And do you know where all of this wondering stemmed from? I started reading a book, names not really important since I insist on reading cheesy romance novels, and the main character gets up every morning at the crack of dawn to go running. She does this because she wants to, because she enjoys exercising and clearing her mind and just the ability of her body to feel rejuivinated from simple fitness. And so I found myself wanting to be more like her and contemplating why I don't get up at 5a.m. instead of 6 and go for a little run. I know it would make me feel better, it's better for me and I wouldn't be so god awful tired all the time. But honestly, I can't fathom the idea of crawling out of my warm safe haven of a 5 blanket cacoon to go traipsing out and about in the cold to "wake up". I guess I could just settle for the morning hot shower until I decide that training for a marathon is in my cards.

I probably should have titled this blog "self analysis" but there is so much more "me stuff" that I will have to conclude about at a later date. That way I can gather all of my random thoughts and actually write in a consise, clear manner that is better understood than the insane gurrgle that I sometimes throw onto a page. I'm sure ya'll are looking forward to that day. Oh to see inside the inner workings of Jessica Large. Maybe they'll make a lifetime movie out of it. Lets hope not!

Homesick

30 minutes.
thats how long I cried yesterday as I drove away from my mother.
it's a gut wrenching feeling...when you leave something you love, even though you know you'll see them again soon.
it still hurts.
i miss sitting in her presence and saying nothing and feeling a contentness that at times overwhelms me.
i love my mom.
i miss my mom.
i WILL see my mom.again.