Go Graeme!!!!!!!!

This is a shout out to Graeme Tower because he absolutley fucking rocks!!! Not only is he allowing me to see one of my best friends in the whole wide world for a night in Dallas but he is taking me to VEGAS BABY!! I've never been before so this trip is going to be a blast. Graeme, you and I are going to have a such a kick ass time! I'll race ya to the bar......
cheers.

ick....

My bedroom furniture is playing a very sick and twisted game where everything just sits there and looks daunting. I think the goal is to be as intimidating as possible and they are flanked by their numerous possie of boxes so I ask myself how in the hell am I suppose to compete with that. I just turn and run like a scared little child to the safety of our very plush, organized and extremley welcoming living room couch. Please don't make me go back in there again. I really don't wanna!

Moving

I'M GOING TO BE MOVING SOON! INTO A SWEET ASS APARTMENT AND I HAVE A DOUBLE BED. THATS RIGHT...YOU HEARD ME....A DOUBLE BED. NO MORE KIDDIE SINGLE FOR LARGE. WHY ARE THE CAPS ON YOU ASK? BECAUSE I'M FUCKING PUMPED THATS WHY.

happy friday everyone!

Healing...

Well, I'm still breathing. I'm here, alive and doing ok. Hit a rough patch and it's going to take just a bit of time to work myself through it and build back my self confidence but I can do it. I have faith. I have faith in my friends, I have faith in my career and most of all (contrary to what I think most of the time) I have faith in myself as a person. I believe all of the cliche's like "when it rains it pours" (believe me the fuckin storm is still a raging) and "everything happens for a reason" (what they leave out is that these reasons don't always become apparent to you, you just have to trust that there is a reason) and the kicker is "time heals all wounds" I especially believe in this! For those of you that have seen the movie "Someone Like You" with Ashley Judd you'll know that this quote is used but in a more unique way that I've adapted as well. "Time wounds all heals"
It always gives me a little chuckle which is the goal I"m assuming.

So needless to say, I don't know what fucking chapter I'm on right now but the scene has definitley ended and we're now moving on to another. Hell, if you ask me I'd say I up and changed books but thats me trying to speak in analogies again! I just want to say thanks to my friends who are always there for me to tell me I'm great, I'm beautiful, I'm special, I'm fun and I am worth something that one day someone will see. Thanks to my friends for making me laugh when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. Thanks to my friends for not letting me feel self pity because life is seriously too short and there is so much out there to still see and feel. Thanks to my friends for letting me scream bloody murder one minute and then collapse into sobs the next. I'm erratic but you all except that. As bad as I might feel, as low as I might get sometimes, the light that pulls me out of my dark misery is the light of your friendship. Your warm hearts, open minds and unfailing neccesity to always be there for me no matter what the odds is what gets me through times like these.

I'm lucky! I'm truly lucky to have so much love in my life. I'm lucky to know that despite how much it hurts right now, the rain will let up, the sun will shine and there will be another beautiful day. I just have to have faith. Everything else will work itself out.

Thanks. I love You!

why.

I’m constantly striving to have control over everything. Just control over my life, my decisions, my work, my relationships. But this constant need to have control has ultimately led me spiraling into chaotic uncertainty. You know how sometimes when you’re walking alone on a dark street and you keep looking over your shoulder for fear someone is following you. Well, I keep looking over my shoulder for fear of how I’m living my life. I keep walking, sometimes speeding up to a fast pace, the whole while my adrenaline is pumping, my heart is about ready to burst out of my chest. It’s dark and I’m scared. Smart thing to do is to go where it’s light out, where things are more clear. Yet I stay walking in the shadows, hoping, praying that I won’t make the wrong move. How can a person live like that. Constantly on edge. Scared of the dark yet not brave enough to switch paths and go where it is lit. Where I can see whats in front of me and behind me. No false pretenses. Why does something that seems so easy, have to be so hard? Why do I have to be difficult and unsure? Why do I have to question any of this?

Almost there.....

Is the work day almost over yet?
So far I've managed to.....
Pee
check my email accounts
work on a flyer for a vendor (took all of about 5 min)
pee
get my 5th cup of tea
check email
make an online purchase for work
pee
check email
shop craigslist
pee

i mean....come on...can you see how exhilerating my day at work is when I don't have a lot to do. God someone bring me a beer. Fuck it, bring me a martini-I need the strong stuff.
Cheers everyone.

(I pee a lot!)

seriously!!

When in the hell did I become such a fucking conformist?!!

just here

Something is missing. I'm treading water. Eventually my arms, my legs, my mind is going to get tired and then what happens? I sink. That's what happens. Now any rational person would tell me, well, you have free will, just swim over to the edge and get out. Swimming isn't all it's cracked up to be anyways. But I like the water. It's a refreshing change from standing out in the sweltering heat while I watch everyone else enjoying the water. But I know i'm going to sink. I truly do. I'm a lot stronger of a swimmer now, I know different techniques so that I don't exert all of my energy at once, kicking and paddling, freaking out that I need my head a certain amount above the water. But with all of this knowledge, all I'm really doing is prolonging the inevitable. I will eventually sink. So...here I am. Treading water. It's so sad. So very sad.

Same ol, same ol

Do you ever tire of the morning routine.
Scene 1: Me walking into our lunch room and spotting a suspecting victim. "well good morning"
Victim: "Good morning"
Me: " How are you doing this morning"
Victim: "Oh good and yourself"
Me: "Oh pretty good" (If I say great this could ensure a longer conversation bc everyone wants to know why it's 'great' instead of 'good'. What have you got that is so much better than us kind of thing)

* and this is the point where we both accept defeat and realize we probably have nothing in common seeing as how 'Victim' is in accounting and i am in marketing and we truly don't care what the other has going on at that moment. We both just want to run back to our cubes and hole up like scared little creatures. Human interaction? What the hell is that. Give me my computer! It doesn't talk back (rarely) It doesn't ask questions I don't have the answer to (if so there is always IT)

So back to the beginning question. Do you ever tire of this morning charade? Wouldn't it be funny if one day, just for the hell of it, when someone asks you how you're doing this morning you fire back with "great! i'm excited, todays the day when I get my sex change!" That'll wake them up more than the junk their dumping in their coffee at the moment. Hell you might even save a life with that line.

i can do it.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to love myself for who I am rather than agonize over what I'm not or can't be. Once I tackle that I believe I'll have 'grabbed life by the balls"... so to speak.

cutest dog ever!

cutest dog ever!
Originally uploaded by JaLarge.

Have you ever had trouble deciding whether you like cats better than dogs? Well now you don't have to worry!!! Shellie and I saw a lady walking a Pomeranian Shitzu last night and this thing was frickin adorable. So tiny, playful and it was furry like a cat but needy like a dog. And she kept falling all over the place. She'd be trying to have you pick her up one second and then fall back and roll over the next so you could rub her tummy! This dog was so cute. Once I finally get my plants to stop dying I am so getting this dog!

thegang

thegang
Originally uploaded by JaLarge.

Here are some pictures from our weekend with the Dawes, the Dawes, the Dawes a.k.a. "Doo Doo". Kick ass weekend, lots of memories/stories. I had a great time and I already miss the hell out of doo doo.

p.s. her house is fuckin kick ass too!

steamroll2

steamroll2
Originally uploaded by JaLarge.

This is what a human steam roll looks like. Frickin hilarious!

steamroll1

steamroll1
Originally uploaded by JaLarge.

Gotta love play time after the bars!

shellsncheese

shellsncheese
Originally uploaded by JaLarge.

awwwww

girls

girls
Originally uploaded by JaLarge.

Waaaayyyy wasted!

twinkies

twinkies
Originally uploaded by JaLarge.

Nice shirts guys!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOO DOO

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELINDA DAWES!!!!!

From one bun to another (this assuming shellie is the meat :) heheh) Hope you have a fantabulous day and i am looking forward to seeing you! You rock girl and I am so lucky to have you as one of my best friends. Have an awesome day at work.

Borrowed Time

This is what my dad told me....borrowed time. This is what my grandfather apparently has....borrowed time. So why the hell can't he borrow some of my time. Why is he healthy one minute, full of joy, making me laugh and then the next minute he's back in the hospital (his fourth visit in 6 months) to have more heart surgery? Who gets to decide when it's time for that person to go. I'm not ready for him to leave. We're just beginning to enjoy our relationship as adults. I want him to see me grow up, I want him to see me married with children, I want him to see the life I still have planned for myself. I still have so much to do and accomplish and I want him to be a part of that. I want to get to that point in my life where I can spoil and take care of them. Send them on trips. Make them feel as carefree as they made me feel when I was a child visiting for the summers. And what about my grandmother. What is she supposed to do. She's the other half, when you take 1/2 away you don't have a whole. Sure she's strong, independent and healthy but how much strength will it take to sustain her heart breaking when by grandfather is no longer by her side. Jesus fuckin christ life is cruel. I'm angry, i'm upset. I'm angry that life's not fair. I'm upset that as I write my eyes are watering, my throat burns from trying to hold back the tears that so desperately want to come pouring out. We never have enough time for what really matters. Time is our worst enemy. I want more time with my family. I don't take them for granted, I never have, I just want some more damn time............

aaahahhh

I'm obsessed with craigslist....i'm not kidding. I refresh every 5 minutes. Someone help me! Jesus this shit is addicting.

www.craigslist.com

enjoy, you're gonna get sucked in........

Tat that ass....

I GOT ANOTHER TATOO!! yipee. it's sweet. I'll take a pic soon and post so ya'll can see. It's simple and small.