I'M ALIVE!!

In my new found career choice I've had the pleasure of witnessing an act that seriously goes unnoted in human culture. Well, actually, to be frank, we all know about it, I"m sure we read about it in numerous issues of cosmo, elle, maybe Maxim and GQ. But to my belief, none of us actually know we're experiencing it. Most of this is due to the large amounts of alchohol that has been consumed and has yet to be consumed. This act, This entertaining event that I get to witness each night I go into work is the ever amusing act of "the mating ritual". Yes, you read right.....'the mating ritual'.

To actually witness this is far better than actually partaking in the event. Believe me, I've been on both ends. :) All in good fun right!? As I'm sure you're all dying to know what gets me through some of the more uneventful nights, I'll indulge you with the play-by-play.

First and foremost you have to have the players involved in this little charade. Now, some of these players are oblivious to the fact that they are actually involved but thats what makes it even more challenging I think. The first, and most important players, are the women. And, do not for one second think that you can play if the women are not severly intoxicated. Because if they're not, its just sad and I start to feel bad for second players which I will introduce as the men. (Now, these orders can be reversed when partaking in a girl on girl or guy on guy-the main thing you need to keep in mind is that one player is the prey, while the other player is the more, lets just say the 'hunter' for a better lack of word)

The act begins with a group of women who 'Just wanna dance", the kind of dance where ya'll throw your purses in one big pile, circle around the mass of baggage and thrail your arms and ass out in a way that could be contrived as a seisure but in this case it doesn't really matter. Its the ultimate goal thats at stake here and not many people (men, in general) are going to really care whether you look like someones zapping you with a stun gun or your merely expressing your creative self. So as this bodily movement is taking place, (now pay attention bc this is where some women -myself included- never look outside that dancing circle to see the men closing in) the men, will stand in pairs of 2 or more, you don't want too much competition cause then it might just look like a gang bang. Each will be sipping a beer probably, it has less of a chance of spilling when they try and grasp onto your flailing hips, and every so often they will inch closer and closer to the jiggling breasts. Eventually, one will be bold enough to venture just a little bit further into this group of women, not too aggressive because the point is to seem like they just 'happen to be behind or next to the women" almost as to give the impression that the woman has spotted the man first! But oh no, thats not the case. Again, this is where large amounts of alchohol play a very large part in this act being successful.

The key is, once the man has 'pounced' on his prey, the goal is to never leave her side. Because, once the man leaves, whether it be to get a drink, take a piss or to just slap their buddies a high five, once the man leaves the woman's side, she's fair game man. And the act, unbeknownst to the woman, will begin again. I'd like to think thats its merely because women have a short attention span. We have to, otherwise we'd get bored with men. :)

Ok, so assuming that the Man has obeyed rule #1 and not left the woman side and has maybe acquired another drink for her (through the buddies maybe-just to make sure the buzz is still there) this is when the lights come on in the bar, I begin to clean my well, I refuse any more offers to buy beer, drinks, condoms (you'd be suprised) no matter what sexual favors I'm offered, it is now that I look up again and notice the Man and the Woman, usually locked in a very embarrasing game of tonsel hockey. This is usually the point where I begin laughing hysterically bc in no country or culture could licking the side of someone's face be considered a 'good' kiss. Maybe erotic, but come on now, lets be serious. Then, as the tounge twisting, nausiated event comes to an end, the 'new pair' link hands (or sometimes the guy carries the girl out) and they exit the bar together, because you sure as hell know their friends have all "convientley" left them. And this is where I would liek to say......." and they lived happily ever after" or at least until they wake up in a confused, hungover state and try and scramble around, introducing themselves as they try and find their pants, underwear, bra, shoes....whatever else they piled on earlier that night. But this my friends, this is why I love my job! Because even though i see the same thing every night, its really very interesting to see the different approaches and to know, that that night, in some random apartment, two people are gonna get laid. And it just makes me happy!