good.one.large

Well once again I let myself be controlled by my emotions. I thought I had that under control but its apparent that I don't. Last night I got carded in soccer. Not such a big deal to most people right? People get carded all the time for little things. Well, I've never been carded. Ever! I've played soccer since pee-wee's and never been carded. Not saying I didn't deserve one from time to time but I'd like to think that I played well enough (and by lis's standards, sneaky enough) that I haven't been caught doing anything and gotten carded. Well last night was the exception to this and it was completely my fault. I'm actually very dissapointed in myself and really embarrassed. Not only did I get carded, but I got a red card. So I had to hang my head in shame and exit the field and I can't even play next week. Ok...so I"m sure you're wondering what I did to recieve this. Basically I lost my cool. I snapped so to speak. I didn't initially start it, if its any consolation to myself but then again I follwed through with it and I would like to think, no, I would hope and expect that I could be a bigger person when someone I am playing against plays dirty and not let it get to me. Obviously the mature adult in me is taking a bit of a sabatical bc she was no where to be found last night.

What it all boils down to is that I hit a guy. I didn't punch him straight in his face, more like a swing punch to his neck. He definitley provoked me and some of my anger towards him was warranted but this isn't kindergarten anymore and we can't solve issues on the playground with an all out brawl. Basically words had been expressed between us all game, very violent words. After the first confrontation (oh yeah there was more than one) I seriously felt remorse immediatley after and was ready to walk up mid game and say 'hey sorry about that, I have a temper, no hard feelings k, lets just play a good game' But I didn't for a couple of reasons that don't really matter. What matters is that I didn't say anything and it might have done some good. But the second half I think my frustration for how dirty the other team was playing had built to the boiling point and this guy made one more mistake to one of my teammates (basically, after the ball was no longer in play with him and our defender-he deliberatley cleated him right in the groin. I'm pretty sure he didnt make direct contact bc my teammate bounced back pretty quickly but i was infuriated and I snapped) This is when, not two seconds later, I ran up and clocked him.....and then got thrown out of the game.

So here I am, it's the next day and I feel like an ass. I'm that person on the team that people want to wear a muzzle bc I can't keep my mouth shut. I have improved, dont' get me wrong, but obviously not enough if I take such tactics as slamming my fist and arm into someones neck. Geez. So I take full blame. We almost lost bc with me off the field we were now 3 people down as we had already started with 2 down. As soon as I walked off the other team scored 2 goals so that was the salt in my already festering wound of self pride. Luckily my sunday and tuesday teams are in different leagues so I can play in our finals on sunday. I promise here on out, to me, to my team, and to everyone that I will play with respect and maturity. I will not scream obsenitites. I will not blatenly go for the player instead of the ball. I will be the epitimy of sportsmanship. I owe my team that. Until then though, I'm going to sit here in shame because I let my temper get the best of me.

Happy hump day I guess.